Spooning

Getting back on track, day 1

After not talking last night, we started off the morning better. Or atleast my attitude was better. We got up and he was getting dressed and I started to ask him questions about what he was doing today, and really be engaging. What did I get? Two word answers and him being vague as hell. before he left I was sure to let him know how I was trying to know more about it and be support and he was not giving me anything to work with. Oh well. Like I feel like I am about to have an emotional affair with someone. But before I do that, I will see how he is working on his time management. And if that gets to be any better. He was also told that he needs to have office hours. Like no more work after 8pm or something like that. Let’s see if that comes to past tonight or something like that. I do not know. I feel bad to a degree because I know that I am being selfish in ways, and I am going to have to change and roll with the punches. But he needs to be sure to invest time in me and this relationship when he is not working on this new business venture. I know that he would pick it over me, is that good? Like I know I do not come first in his life. I feel like he sees it as my problem and something that he has to work on. I am not happy in this situation now. But what I think that he does not understand is that my unhappiness is directly related to his lack of interest in me and our relationship and all the effort he is putting into this new business venture. Let me not be too quick to run and jump ship, since it was just Friday we had the talk with the therapist about what needed to be worked on. Let’s see if some change comes….before I do anything or ANYONE rash…*looking out of side eye*

Aint that about a bitch…

Remember:1. Focus on the 70%. that 30% you don’t like will always be there so no need to dwell on it.
2. Keep your commitments. Even when you don’t feel like it.
3. Date time is a time for communication. Date time is a must and is non negotiable.
4. Keep your job at your job.
5. We live in a fucked up world where people will always try to bring us down. Your role in a relationship is to always always always lift each other up.
6. A compliment goes a long way.
7. Have sex. A lot of it. It’s hard to be mad at you when we’re always screwing. It releases the feel good hormone, endorphins. Makes you look at things a little different,
8. Treat each other with respect. Yelling and cursing is not respectful.

Last last things… If you’re upset, own that you’re upset and no decisions are to be made while you are upset. In other words, the next time you say you’re breaking up, mean it. I don’t want to be with you is not the same as I’m mad as hell at you.

If you can’t see life without each other, stop acting like you can by threatening to leave. It only causes resentment, power plays and unnecessary games.

Life is short. You’ve found someone to love you. Invest yourself in loving them back.

So I never got to really implement Operation Fuck Daniel, we ended up seeing a therapist the next day and this was the advice we were given to one another. So we were going to turn a new leaf an start over. That is not going on all that well. He has started a new business venture with some friends and I have been  not all that supportive. Only because the time he has been putting into that has been time  that was taken from me and shit we do. He said with this new business venture he wants to be a millionaire and he is going to have to go hard and work hard now so that he can play hard later. We were told that he needs to learn a balance between  work and our home life. Also that he needs to make some office house and basically just know when to turn it off. My duty is to be more supportive of him and get into it. Since this is something that he is into, I will have to get on board and be there and have his back. He is feeling like not that many people support him with it and that is very difficult on him. Which I get. We just got into it a little bit ago because he was trying to show me  something and explain a new product to me and I started asking questions, but the questions came off a being unsupportive. I said sorry, that was not my intention. Then he says I know we are supposed to be bringing up old shit, but when you told me to get my shit and get out a couple of days you did not mean that either. Okay, so I talk too fast without thinking through what I have to say so your girl needs to learn to be fucking quite. I am a work in progress. So he then said to me that all I do is speak and then say sorry and I never say anything that I mean. So that makes me want to shut the fuck up and not say shit, and just yes man him whenever he asks me or says something to me. 

So now we have not been speaking for the last hour or so and are in two different rooms. I

I have to be honest, I do not know where this relationship is headed. I feel as though he needs his space to work on his business venture. Like I want to be supportive for him, but it is just an adjustment for me because I am used to him being more avliable to me than what he is now. I think a problem for me to be supportive for him is the product that he is endorsing. I believe in it and I know that it works, I am just not that familiar with the business side of it and he is pursuing that. I don’t know. I want to be there for him but I am in my selfish phase too a little bit…but more so I am just used to him being there for me more than he has. And it has not been like that lately. I am a work in progress. I am working on it. 

But I do not know where this relationship is headed. I almost do not care. I kinda of wish I would have made him leave.

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

Lusty Lisa 2.0

So now that I am single, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want to do. Please note that  I have not had sex in going on 3 weeks. When I mentioned this to my ex earlier this week, when we were still together, he said my lack of motivation and ambition has made it hard for him to emotinally connect with me and therefore physically connect with me. Mind you, he has had that complaint about me not being motivated or driven and lazy for over a year now, but all of sudden within the last 2 weeks it became so much of a problem that he does not want to fuck me. Interesting. But now I do not have to worry about that headache, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want to do.

First order of business as a single woman : GET THE FUCK LAID!

I am so fucking horny it is not even funny. I know there maybe some of you out there thinking that I am moving too soon, considering we just broke up a few hours ago, too soon, too sensitive, blah blah blah, wounds need to heal, blah blah blah. Fuck off, I bet YOU are getting laid, so don’t judge me! A woman has needs, the same way a man does. And these needs need to be met! I am for sure and advocate of keeping yourself to yourself, ie jacking off and all that, but I have been doing that for days now, and days, and that is not the same. I need a nice firm body and hard dicking pressing on and inside me….the first person that comes to mind is my gym crush, Daniel. Oh Lord.

For the last couple of days, since Monday he and I have been having some small talk in the gym, nothing major at all. He is actually trying to read 100 books this year and I asked him abou tthe book he was holding and so on. I added him as a friend on FB today. I can now do something with him since I am single. I do not believe in making male or female friends once in a relationship. Like anyone you had before me, cool, but there will ne no friend making after me. Does that make sense? Now I am single and I can be his friend. But I am really not trying to be his friend I really just want to fuck him. You do not understand how amazing his body is and how sexy he is. He has some amazing pictures on FB and his body is so right. I have no problem coming right out…or being frank about what I would like to do with him. I just do not know how soon, or what I should actually do or say to get our conversations headed in that direction.

Operation Fuck Daniel has begun.

relationships are voluntary! if at any point you feel you are not happy or are wasting your time, beat it. You do not HAVE to be there.

Over the last few weeks there have been lots of arguing and fussing and attitude having and fussing and just plain shit going on in my  house and in my relationship. Let me list:

My partner has a huge problem with admitting that he was wrong.

He does not listen to me, and has selective hearing.

Is starting to be little me and do nothing to make me feel good about my weight insecurities.

Just a list of other shit that I do not feel like naming, so I will leave it alone.

So since relationships are voluntary, I opted out of mine this morning. So I am officially single. Hmmmm….

i am having a moment, just rock with me.

There are very few people in the word, whose opinion of me or something that I do carries any real weight with me. Very few friends, my honey dip, and my mom. That is it.

I have been in and out of the gym and eating better and trying to eat better and lose some weight for probably 3 months now. I have not been consistent, so there has been very little loss. Honeydip has been consistant and has lost about 40 pounds. It makes me a little insecure to look at him and his accomplishments and I do not have any.

I am a procrastinator, always have been and probably always will be. It is something that I struggle with everyday.

My appearance has always been something that I have struggled with…or more so my self image. I had low self esteem at a very young age, and I do not think that it ever really got better. It is also something that I deal with everyday. Some days I think I look amazing, then other days I feel like I look like Shrek and nothing can be done about it.

Now lets pull all those thoughts together….

I went to lunch with honeydip the other day and a really good friend of mine. We had all just left the gym and were having a great lunch together. Some how weight came up and appearances. Honeydip goes on to say how hard it is for men to be faithful, and that women that have good men should work their damnest to look good for their men, blah blah blah, because there are so many other women out there, blah blah blah. My friend immediately went in on him for that comment and others he mad during the conversation. I started to cry. He made me feel bad, and I know it was not his intention but he did. Then he went on to say I did not follow through with anything and that is the one thing he hates about me. And he wishes I was more consistent with goals that I set for myself. I started to cry and feel like shit about myself. At the moment he was trying to ask why I was crying and so did my friend, but I just shook my head and left it alone. I was not able to articulate my words or feelings about the matter and how I was feeling. It did not come to me until days later. I really care about what he has to say about me and what he thinks of me. I should shouldn’t I? It didnt hit me until that moment. I care so much about what he has to say about me that it hurts my feelings when he comes down on me or doesn’t think that I am doing as good of a job as I think I am, or soemthing that like. His opinion of me really matters to me and I did not know that. When he says something bad about me, not that he does it often at all, but when he gives me some criticsm, it makes me feel really bad about myself. Then it all ties into how I look at myself, and I start to think that I am a piece of shit and pretty worthless. I start to look at myself from the outside and notice how ugly I am inside and out. Then it all makes me want to fade into thin air and have no one notice.

You would think that I would tell him this right? Wrong answer. I know that I am vunerable when it comes to him, but I do not know if I want him to know that. I  have this thing where I do not want people to all the way know that they get to me. And I want to protect myself and my feelings. But I cannot from him. I have not told him this…maybe I will…anything to bring us even closer…right?

Lusty Lisa….

Hi, I am in a relationship and I am attracted to another man. Is that wrong? I have no intention of cheating on my honey, by no stretch of the imagination, but I do look at this guy at the gym and am very attracted to him. I only see him at the gym, have not exchanged numbers and for sure will not. I barely know his name and I am damn sure he doesn’t know mine. When I see him I low key day dream about hitting that. Damn, that is terrible. He has a really nice body, not too big or too small, but just right. I look at this back and think about touching is, like running my fingers down it while in the throws of love making. Damn, is that too much?  I look at this mouth and think about kissing him, his lips are very luscious and big just right.

But I only think about these things when I am in the gym and see him. Once I leave, I get over it. I am only writing about it right now because I was thinking if it is so wrong to lust after another person. 

But is it wrong to be in a relationship and lust after another person?

acadia-is-forever asked: A cheater is worse than anything. What's wrong at all with someone who loves their family a little too much? Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Very true.

Which 1 is worse….

….a mama’s boy or a cheater? Me and family got into a discussion about this and she was adamant that a mama’s boy is much worse than a cheat. I have to ponder this more and I will get back….

Baby Blues..continued…

I am bored at work and go on facebook and just get to clicking away. I end up on the page of a chick that had beef with me and my friends in college and I see she has had a baby girl. Beautiful baby girl that is. I get to clicking and find more people, friends of friends, family, family friends, and all the such…and they ALL HAVE BABIES! I start to get a little sentimental…I do not understand why these babies are getting to me. All these people having babies is making me feel like I am missing out on something. It almost makes me feel like I have accomplished nothing to date. Should the fact that I do not have a kid make me feel that way? NO right? I don’t know. But seeing all these babies, and people that I know that have babies, just makes me feel like they have a leg up on me. I want to be there with them. I want to have my cute little chocolate baby and be able to post pictures about him or her on facebook, and talk about how I love them so much, and never loved anything more, never saw anything cuter…all that. One day.

Still praying for patience. The time will come…right?

Wedding Baby Blues

So much.

Even though my boo is an only child, he has tons of cousins that are in his age range, and they are all very close. He literally has about 30 first cousins between his mom and dad’s families.  All of them are in relationships, with the exception of like 1 or 2. Of these relationships, there is always a birthday, always a baby shower, and just recently there was a shot gun wedding. I got a call from one of his cousin’s girlfriends yesterday and she told me that she was 6 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child. I told her how excited I was and wished many blessings on their new addition and the family. I then asked her about marriage, and if her boo, my honey’s cousin , had mentioned marriage to her. She said they talked about it and they discussed going down to the courthouse and doing it before Sept. of this year. We discussed courthouse weddings for a bit and then got off the phone.

I told him abou the new addition that was coming to the family, and them getting married which lead to the conversation about us getting married. I do not know if I mentioned before, but he got a job. He is now in the back ground check process of it and was told by his investigator that it would be another 3-4 months before he started working. This was a blow to me for a number of reasons, but the two most important: 1- he was going to be at home bored, and I know he was looking forward to starting work soon; 2-we were not going to be able to go back to wedding saving and planning. Once we found out he got the job a month or so ago, we said that once he had a paycheck or two under his belt we would be able to talk about wedding planning and what he would be able to save each month towards is. Of course what I would be able to save too. But now since that will not be happening, we have no money to go towards this wedding. Mind you, I never wanted to have a wedding, I just wanted to go to the courthouse and a happy hour afterwards. He was on that for a while and then got over it. He thinks that courthouse weddings are cheesy, but not Vegas weddings in a chapel. I think those are cheesy.

He had a cousin that got married to his on again off again fiancee of 5 years that is 6 months pregnant in her parents back yard. Wedding, reception, everything lasted about an hour and a half. He said, “We can do something small like that.” No thank you. If I am going to have a wedding, I am going to DO IT! There will be no half stepping!

I tried to talk about weddings with him and he said the same thing as before, “Can we wait til I have a paycheck or two under my belt before we can start discussing this?” Dismayed, I said sure. I got sad. His family makes me feel like we are moving too slow. Like in Feb. it will be a year since we got engaged, and we were orginally going to get married this upcoming Aug. But now that will not be happening. I feel like I have to keep up with them in ways. Like all his female cousins over the age of 18 have a kid or two. Out of all the male cousins on his moms side, which is probably about 17, he is one of 3 that does not have a kid. It made me sad a little bit that our wedding, (the wedding I do NOT want to have) is getting pushed back again….and almost that we did not have a kid. I shed a tear and was in a  funk.

I don’t know if I feel like I have something to prove to them or what. I just don’t know. I feel like I need to catch up to them. But in other ways, I feel like they need to catch up to us.

We have our own spot.

Both have cars.

We live within our means.

We have a solid foundation for our relationship.

We both pray.

We have our priorties in check. ie, we have stopped wedding planning since he does not have a job. We have other things the money could be going towards.

I guess I just need to be patient. I will be sure to continue to pray for this.